Chapter 7
Elusive Butterfly
You might wake up some mornin'
To the sound of something moving past your window in the wind
Don't be concerned, it will not harm you
It's only me pursuing somethin' I'm not sure of
Across my dreams with nets of wonder
I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love
“You didn’t have to do this, Uncle Bill. I know how much you hate to drive, especially in the city. I could have taken the train from Sleepyside.” Dan Mangan double checked the Arrivals and Departures Board to ensure they were headed to the right gate in Penn Station.
“I know I didn’t have to, but I wanted to. And you would have been cutting it too close if you took that first train out of Sleepyside this morning. I don’t know what the Marine Corps might do if you showed up late and missed your train.”
“I’m just glad I didn’t have to go to Albany. Normally, you leave from your official Receiving Station. This is it.” Dan stopped in front of a sleek stainless steel Pennsylvania Railroad passenger car. There was a long awkward pause as the two men stood on the platform. Bill Regan looked at his watch and they stood in silence a bit longer.
Dan finally cleared his throat. “I’ve never really thanked you for…for everything.”
“I’ve told you,” Regan interrupted. “We’re family.”
Dan recognized the Marine coming towards them as a recruiter from Albany, and assumed that was his cue to board. He offered his hand to his uncle, but was surprised when Regan pulled him into a tight hug and patted his back. They pulled apart and he saw tears in the older man’s eyes.
“I’m proud of you, Dan. You’re strong, both mentally and physically. You’ve got street smarts and book smarts. You’ve accomplished so much and you have the potential to do anything.” He cleared his throat and hesitated before continuing. “You’ll make a good Marine.” He cleared his throat again. “Stay safe. Make sure you come home and…and…You hear?”
Unable to speak, Dan shifted the small gym bag he had been carrying from one hand to the other and back again. No other luggage was necessary since by the next morning the Marine Corps would be providing anything and everything he would need. He had been instructed to leave personal effects at home, except for identification and certain important papers. He’d tucked copies of two photographs into his wallet, but had packed nothing else until the last moment. He’d decided to pack some writing supplies in his old gym bag, although he knew he wouldn’t need them in Boot Camp. “I will, Uncle Bill. There’s too much waiting for me here to not come back.”
He gave his name to the Marine, who handed him a bright orange folder and directed him to the right car. Once he was authorized to board, he followed a half-dozen other young men, hopped onto the bottom step of the train car, then turned around. “You’ll be there in September?” he called out.
“Wouldn’t miss it.”
Dan raised his hand, turned and entered the rail car.
The early Sunday morning train was sparsely occupied and Dan took his seat next to a window. He sat back and watched as other passengers got on, including several more young men carrying bright orange envelopes. They all made small talk until finally, the train began to move. Eventually the rhythmic clacking of the rails and swaying of the train lulled him into semi-consciousness.
Dan closed his eyes, trying to make some sense of the past few days—Honey’s problems with Chip; helping Trixie with her investigation; the time spent with Darlene; the wonderful party Trixie and Diana had planned and everything that had happened at the party. It all seemed almost unreal.
He couldn’t even remember how the confrontation with Jim had started, and he still was unable to accept that he had come so close to a physical brawl with his friend. Jim Frayne was the one person who knew—others may or may not understand, but Jim knew—what it was like to be orphaned young and thrown into a living hell. They had shared a special bond since the day he’d arrived in Sleepyside. But last night, the two survivors had been cursing, growling and making ridiculous accusations. He understood that Jim had arrived at the party exhausted from pulling an all-nighter and then driving over four hours from Boston. And he supposed if he were in Jim’s situation, he’d be angry and suspicious of the time Dan had spent with Trixie this past year. But Jim had been a fool to question Trixie’s resolute love and devotion to him.
At least until last night.
Nothing had ever happened between Trixie and Dan, but it could have last night. Her asking him to dance had been an excuse for him to hold her. They both understood that when she’d asked. He’d played Elusive Butterfly because it was slow and he thought of her every time he heard it. When the music stopped, she had been the one to kiss him. And unlike in the past, it wasn’t a sweet peck on the cheek. It was an invitation for more; and he had wanted to take more. No one had ever called him honorable or the most wonderful boy in the world. But she had been upset and vulnerable and even he respected that.
Honey had confided a lot to him over the past few weeks, including how Jim had treated her when he found her birth control pills and in the months following. Dan didn’t like Chip Lloyd any more than Jim did, but he believed Honey’s relationship with the creep was her business. As her brother, Jim might have had a right to share his concerns or suspicions with Honey, but it should have stopped there. According to Honey, he either gave her the silent treatment or nagged about her making a “mistake”. He admired Jim for wanting to wait until marriage to consummate his relationship with Trixie, but he’d come close to destroying any relationship with his sister by forcing those beliefs on her. And it spoke volumes about Jim and Trixie’s relationship.
For Dan, Honey’s revelation had explained Jim’s obsession about marrying Trixie as soon as possible. After choosing Harvard over Columbia for graduate school, Jim expected her to move to Boston with him and she was equally determined to stay in New York and attend John Jay. The result was that their affection for each other was fraught with bickering. Dan chuckled, thinking that half of their problems would be resolved if they just did it.
That was where he was different from Jim. He didn’t share Jim’s moral convictions or his self-control. And, after last night, he doubted that Trixie shared them, either.
Dan dozed off remembering the way Trixie had looked at him when they had kissed.
Ruthie had removed a stack of records to play the single Dan gave her. After the final chords of the song, the pool area became silent. Trixie continued to hold on to him tightly, swaying slightly back and forth with her eyes closed, while Ruthie was struggling to place more records on the changer spindle.
“Trixie?” he whispered. “Trixie? The music stopped.”
“I know. I don’t want to stop.” She squeezed her arms tighter around his waist, and looked up at him. Slowly, she reached up, guided his face to hers and kissed him. They pulled apart briefly and then kissed again, this time molding their bodies tightly together.
“Trix,” Dan gasped. “I think ...”
She pulled away and smiled weakly. “I’m sorry.” She started to turn and he pulled her back.
“I’m not,” he murmured as he kissed her again.
The train jerked to a stop, rousing Dan from his day dream. Two teen-aged girls boarded the train and walked up the aisle past him and the other recruits, their laughter reminding Dan of how Trixie had laughed when the music began playing again and they had pulled apart.
“You may be one sorry SOB, Daniel Mangan, but you do know how to kiss! Whew!” She pretended to be fanning herself as she laughed teasingly.
Dan stood and watched, unsure of what to say or do. He looked around to see that Ruthie had left after getting the music started and the only other people still there were two couples in the pool. “Looks like the party’s pretty much over.”
Trixie headed towards the buffet tables. “I need to finish cleaning up.”
Dan helped Trixie clear away the serving dishes, combine the remaining bottles of soda into one tub, and move perishables into the refrigerator in the pool house, without their exchanging a single word. She was wiping crumbs from the table when Dan realized he hadn’t seen Mart or Diana for some time.
“Do you know where your brother and Diana might be?”
Trixie stopped suddenly and stood up straight. “Now that you say something, I haven’t seen Diana since she lit the lanterns, right before you and Jim ...” She started wiping the table again. “Maybe they’re up at the house?”
Dan shrugged. “I guess we can handle the rest without them.”
Trixie gestured for him to help her with a metal tub. They dumped the melted ice and water into the grass and then carried it inside to the pool house storage room.
“Normally we’d find them in here.” She pointed over to lounge chairs that were arranged in front of sliding glass doors that opened onto the pool apron. Heavy floral curtains had been drawn shut to discourage partiers from using the pool house itself. “Diana said they sneak out here all the time.”
Dan looked behind him, toward where the last swimmers had been, and then back at Trixie. He smiled slyly. “They look, ah, inviting.”
Trixie plopped down on one of the chairs, and patted the seat beside her. “Get that smirk off your face, Mangan. You aren’t getting that lucky tonight. I might like to sample more of your kisses, though.”
Dan almost choked when he saw her coy smile. He glanced back again, then walked over and sat beside her. He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her to him, kissing her gently at first, then more fervently until Trixie lay back against the chair, pulling him with her.
Unable to deny his feelings for Trixie any longer, he gave into the desire to touch her, kiss her, to feel her soft curves pressed against him. But he was more honorable than he realized. When she began whispering that she wanted more, he forced himself to pull away from her, even though his body was screaming for release. He did what may have been the most difficult thing he’d done in over five years; he stood and walked across the room.
“Dan? Is something wrong?”
How could she have asked that? Nothing was wrong. He’d dreamed of this for years. She wanted him and he wanted her. They were young and healthy. What could be simpler?
But everything was wrong. She was hurt, confused and vulnerable. How could he take advantage of that? He was leaving for boot camp and who knew what in a few hours. How could he take her and then walk away?
They’d never removed a single piece of clothing, but he felt like he had violated her. How could he live with that?
“Wrong, Trix?” He turned and looked over at her, her lips red and swollen and her eyes wide and confused. “My God, you’re ...I want you so bad.”
“I ...I’ve never ...Did I do something?”
The train jerked to a stop. Dan peered out the window into a large, dark station, wondering if this were Philadelphia and looking for a sign. He knew they couldn’t be to Baltimore yet. The train went through tunnels before it got to Baltimore. He looked down at the small bag at his feet. He had some letters to write—some things he had to say to people—and he didn’t have much time.
He wasn’t sure if he could think clearly enough to write those letters. He certainly hadn’t thought clearly the night before.
“I need ...maybe we shouldn’t be in here.” He hesitated when she looked up at him with disappointment. “Mart, Diana, the others out at the pool ...”
Trixie stood up and began straightening her clothes. She looked up and smiled weakly when she saw that one button had been ripped from her blouse, leaving a large hole. “I don’t think I can go back to the party. Can we just…can you take me home?”
Dan grabbed her hand and, without saying a word, led her out the back of the pool house and up the hill to where he’d left his car, thinking he’d take her home, then drive around until he was thinking clearly. He started around the front end of the car when Trixie stopped him.
“You never answered me, Dan. Did I do something wrong?”
“Wrong? My God, Trixie. How can you ask that? You ...you’re ...why do you think I need to ...?” He leaned against the front of the car and ran his hands through his hair. “I’m going crazy.” He looked up at her. “You didn’t do a single thing wrong. I want you. Okay? I have for a long time. Okay? But I’m not taking you like this. You wouldn’t even be here right now if Jim Frayne hadn’t been late to the party. You’re angry and hurt and…and even I can’t take advantage of that.” He stood and turned his back to her. “We never should have ...”
“Do you really think the only reason I kissed you, I let you ...is because I’m angry with Jim?”
“You’re upset. We’re both confused. I should have ...”
“I kissed you. NOT because I was angry with Jim, but because you… you and I ...I’m just realizing ...No one has ever kissed me the way you just did. I’ve never felt that way.”
Trixie walked around the car and started to get in. “Are you going to take me home now, Dan?”
“Come here, Trix.”
“So I can make a bigger fool of myself?”
“I’m the fool. Come here.” Dan reached out to her and Trixie came to him. “Why tonight, Trix?” He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him. He wanted to tell her how long he had waited and longed to hold her, kiss her, and…He wanted to tell her that he would see how she looked at Jim and pray that she’d look at him that way. And now that she had kissed him and caressed him and looked at him with those beautiful blue eyes, he was going to turn her away.
“We need time. You need to...”
“But ...”
“Let me finish. I have to say this and if I wait another five minutes I might not be able to. I hurt you tonight ...”
“You ...”
“I took advantage of your ...”
“I kissed you. I ...”
Dan looked off into the dark, knowing he would never say these words if he looked at Trixie. “You need to understand something, Trixie. I have no scruples ...not like your brothers or Jim. You came on to me and ...God, you are so ...”
He closed his eyes, hoping he could go through with his lie. “I like having a good time. I had a good time with Darlene and I would have had a good time with you, tonight. But I can’t do it with you, Trixie. I’ll give you that.”
“You ...I don’t understand.”
Dan continued to look away, realizing he was no longer the slick liar he had been when living on the streets. “You don’t have to. You just need to believe that you’re lucky you didn’t become another notch on my bedpost.”
Dan walked around to the side of the car. “Do you want a ride home or ...”
“Rot in hell, Daniel Mangan!” Trixie took off across the lawn. Dan watched as she went up to the rear of the Lynch home and let herself in. He got in his car and first beat his fists and then banged his forehead on the steering wheel, cursing at himself.
The train slowed and turned sharply, rousing Dan again. He closed his eyes, wishing he could undo the past twenty-four hours, then realizing that if that happened, he would never have kissed Trixie.
“What the hell is going on, Mangan?”
“Mart!” Dan sat up straight and started to open the car door.
Mart pushed it shut. “It’s bad enough you did something as asinine as joining the Marines. I’ve tried to support you about that imprudent decision, even though I think it’s the dumbest thing you’ve done since I’ve known you. But then you start screwing around with Darlene? Of all the girls in Sleepyside? You’ll be lucky if she doesn’t give you ...”
“I know how to protect myself. And that’s none of your business.”
“Maybe not, but whatever has been going on tonight is.” Mart leaned into the car window. “You bring Darlene to the party and then ignore her. You should have known she’d do something ...the girl has problems.
“You get into a fight with Jim? Okay, I’ve wanted to kick his ass lately, too, but you make a scene like that here? At Diana’s house? After she and Trixie go to all this trouble to give you a nice send off? In front of all your friends?
“And now my sister is in the house with a torn blouse, saying that she never wants to see you or Jim Frayne ever again. She’s crying, Mangan. Trixie never cries like that. Do you want to tell me what happened, just now?” Mart stepped back away from the car. “Maybe you need to get out of that car, so I can kick your ass.”
Dan placed his forehead back on the steering wheel. “I don’t want to fight with you, Mart, even though I probably need a good ass-kicking.”
Mart’s temper had cooled a bit after his tirade. “You think I really want to fight with you?” He held up a can of beer. “Think this might help? It’s from Mr. Lynch’s stash. I wasn’t sure if I’d need this to conk you with or to share.” He pulled a church key from the back pocket of his jeans and punched two holes in the top.
Dan got out of the car and took the proffered can, taking a long swig before handing it back to Mart. “I think I need more than that, but thanks.”
Mart sat on hood of the car. “So do you want to tell me why Trixie’s in the house getting all girlie? I know why she’s upset with Jim, but what ...”
“I don’t know, Mart. I don’t want to show up for boot camp with any broken bones ...”
The train had entered a tunnel and Dan stared out at the lights flashing by, confirming that his reflection showed no cuts or bruises. He had given Mart an abbreviated version of what happened in the pool house—that he and Trixie had kissed and he’d told her he didn’t want to get involved.
“It’s not as simple as I told her. I care about your sister. A lot. But she’s hurt and confused about Jim, and the last thing she needs is to be…she belongs with Jim,” he offered reluctantly.
Mart sat silently, giving no indication whether he agreed with Dan or not. He did take a few swigs from the beer can before giving it back, but never said a word. When Dan finished talking—confessing really, Mart got down from the car and offered his hand.
“I’m going to miss you. More than you realize. But Trixie will miss you more and there’s not much anyone can do about that. I think there’s more to how you feel than either one of you admit. Frankly, you two are idiots to have waited until now to realize what’s been obvious to me for some time.”
“I ...I’m not getting involved with anyone right now. Especially not her.”
Mart shook his head. “I don’t want to kick your ass anymore, but I still think you’re an idiot.”
The train came out of the tunnel and sunlight filled the rail car, reminding Dan that he had some important letters to write—to apologize for his behavior, as well as to tie up some loose ends. He pulled out the notepad and a pen and started to write.
Mart had agreed that Dan would only make things worse if he confronted Trixie that evening, so he drove off as Mart went back to the house. He drove past Darlene’s house, not sure if he should try to apologize or leave things as they were. He laughed aloud when he saw Tad’s car in the driveway, assuming she probably had recovered nicely, and, if not, she had Tad to take care of her. He pulled away and drove home to the apartment.
Although he was exhausted when he fell into bed, he tossed and turned for some time before finally going to sleep. It seemed only minutes later when his uncle rapped on his door.
“Dan. We need to ...”
“I know, Uncle Bill,” he growled. “I’m awake. Is the shower ...?”
“I’m out.”
Dan showered, threw a few things into his gym bag, then grabbed a mug of coffee and stepped out on the balcony to enjoy the smells and sounds of a Hudson Valley morning one last time. He almost dropped the mug when he saw Trixie leaning against his uncle’s truck. He set it down, ran down the steps and over to her.
“Trixie? How long have you been out here?”
“I couldn’t sleep. I wanted to tell you ...I was too emotional last night to deal with anything. Maybe I still am, but I want to tell you now, Daniel Mangan, that I will never be a notch on your bedpost. I know that we have too much respect for each other to ...to ...and ...Dammit. I rehearsed what to say and now all I can think about is...”
Dan stood silently, resisting the urge to wrap his arms around her and kiss her. “We were both ...”
“Before you leave I want you to know that ...I ...I do want ...my feelings for you are a lot more than just rebound from Jim. I don’t expect anything from you ...except ...maybe ...”
Dan grabbed her at the waist and pulled her to him, his desire for her too strong to deny.
Instinctively, Trixie placed her arms around him and moved even closer. Sensing her response and encouragement, Dan deepened the kiss, forgetting any thoughts that she was off-limits. They lost track of time murmuring and kissing each other.
Without realizing it, Trixie sighed aloud before pulling away, just for a moment, to catch her breath. While her body remained pliant in his arms, the separation made Dan aware of where he was, what he was doing, and with whom. Once again, he stepped away from her.
“Dan, are you out here? Trixie?” Bill Regan came down the stairs from the apartment as the two pulled away from each other. “We need to go, Dan.” If he’d seen or suspected anything he didn’t say.
Dan glanced at his wristwatch, looked at Trixie longingly, then cleared his throat. “Trixie came to wish me well. I need to get my ...” He ran across the gravel lot and up the stairs.
“I couldn’t sleep, so I thought I’d ...” Dan heard Trixie’s voice trail off.
Regan had his arm around Trixie’s shoulders, obviously consoling her, when Dan came back out. He went over, kissed her on the cheek and got in the truck without speaking. Seeing her standing there, he motioned for her to get in. “Yes, I know Trix, you can take care of yourself, but you shouldn’t be walking through the woods alone in the dark. Get in.”
She climbed in as he scooted towards the middle of the seat and they rode to the farmhouse in silence. Trixie opened the passenger side door to get out, hesitated and started to speak, then jumped out without saying a single word. Dan and Regan waited until she was inside and then Regan turned the truck around and headed down the driveway.
“You’re in love with her, aren’t you?” he asked as he pulled out onto Glen Road.
“Doesn’t matter how I feel. I don’t need any entanglements where I’m headed.”
A part of Dan believed what he’d told his uncle earlier. His feelings for Trixie didn’t matter. What mattered was that she be happy. What mattered was his being the best Marine he could be. He needed to ensure that she had a future with Jim Frayne and that he had a future, period—even if a part of him wanted her more than life itself.
He finished the letter to Darlene, apologizing for his behavior and feebly trying to reassure her that she deserved better than she’d gotten from him or anyone else in Sleepyside. He addressed an envelope and placed a five cent stamp in the upper right corner, then licked the flap to seal it. He rubbed his eyes, reluctant to start the second letter, but knew that he needed to make things right with Jim—to make certain that Jim understood he had no intentions of pursuing Trixie.
He was so focused on his letter to Jim that he barely noticed when the train pulled into Union Station and he missed all of the Washington landmarks that passed by his window. Finishing the letter somewhere in Virginia, he addressed a second envelope, stamped and sealed it, and placed it with Darlene’s in his bag.
He looked down at the notepad in his lap. The third letter was far more important than either of the other two. In fact, it might be the most important thing he’d ever written. He just hoped he wouldn’t regret it every day for the rest of his life, no matter how or when his life ended.
There was a pile of crumpled paper on the seat beside him when the train pulled into Richmond, where he had a short break before boarding a Seaboard Coastline train that would take him the rest of the way. He was picking up the rejects when one of the other recruits asked him if he’d like to join some of them during the lay over.
Dan welcomed the distraction of a hearty meal with the other young men. They were all nervous and excited and the talk about family and loved ones had almost convinced him to not write the final letter. However, by the time he had boarded the second train and it was headed towards Petersburg, he realized he had no choice and pulled out the notepad again.
After several more attempts, Dan finally decided the letter was finished as they were entering North Carolina. He knew the words would hurt Trixie, but only temporarily. She would find love and happiness with Jim. And no matter how it hurt him right now, he’d have little time to think about anyone or anything except his life as a Marine over the next two years. He couldn’t afford to be worrying about anyone at home and she didn’t need to be pining over him. After he addressed, stamped and licked the glue on the envelope, he sat for some time, holding the envelope to his lips and wishing for the impossible. He then placed it in the bag with the other two letters and reclined back in his seat. He closed his eyes and almost immediately fell asleep.
“You headed to Parris Island?”
Dan jerked awake, wondering how long he’d been out. He was surprised to see it was dark outside.
“Next stop is Yemassee.”
Dan rubbed his eyes. He had slept through two states and several stops. He watched as the train pulled up to the most desolate and pitiful excuse for a train station he’d ever seen. He took the large orange envelope and three letters from his bag, zipped it shut, and waited for the train to come to a complete stop before joining the line of other young men who filed off.
Seeing a familiar blue mail box beside the entrance to a darkened concrete block building, he started to jog over to it when a deep voice barked out, "Hey, YOU, get over here!” Dan pretended not to hear. He looked at the letters to confirm they were properly stamped and addressed and dropped the first two into the blue box.
“HEY, YOU! ARE YOU DEAF?” Dan glanced over at the line forming in front of a bus. He hesitated again before offering a silent prayer and dropping the last letter into the slot, then turned to acknowledge the Marine who now was headed towards him.
“You! What do you think you’re doing? Follow me. Stand over there, face forward and no talking.” The Marine got up close and yelled into his face.
“You checked your soul at the gate. You are now property of the United States Marine Corps.”
 |
|